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To All My Friends Still In Their 20s, Get With the Times
Being in your 20s was my thing, and honestly, it’s a little awkward that you’re trying to live out a trend that ended almost two full years ago.
Published on McSweeney’s // 6.10.19
Thank You for Your Grace in Accepting My Debit Card, Though My Purchase was Below the Card Minimum
To my delight you weren’t like other bartenders who have been so cold, unsympathetic, and ignorant of the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act.
Published on Points In Case // 07.05.19
Despite Advice in My 8th Grade Yearbook, I Did Not "Stay Kewl"
While I may have followed through on other aspirations like having a “GR8 Summer” and “hittin’ up the pool or sumthin',” I did not take your edifying advice to stay my authentic, off-the-hook self.
Published on Points In Case // 08.28.19
God Has Put It on My Heart to Ask You Out for Coffee This Weekend and Then to Marry Me in Six Months
I really don’t know how else to describe it except to call it a miracle.
Published On Robot Butt // 09.09.19
Should I Buy a Jacket at This Vintage Clothing Store or Retire Before I Turn 80?
At some point I’m going to have to come to terms with my wanton buying behavior, but given the cozy yet snug confines of this jacket, I just don’t know if today is that day.
Published On Robot Butt // 09.24.19
I Did My Part to Fight Climate Change This Week by Reading Five Headlines About It
Did I actually read any of the articles? Trust me, I was absolutely outraged when I read the headlines so I didn’t even need to.
Published On Robot Butt // 10.09.19